As you can guess from my user name, I was not looking to marry a farmer but one stole my heart. We've been married for quite a few years now and, until recently, it's been fine. I moved from the city and found an off-farm job (out of necessity as you'll see in a bit). We have no children and none planned. My problem, that I'm hoping I can find help with here, is understanding what is "normal" farm living and what is not. I don't want people to get mad at me here if I say something seemingly insensitive, I'm just confused.

So here's the backdrop:
I was not raised on a farm but I WAS raised in a small rural town in a lower-middle class, hardworking family and have had a job since I was 14.

When we got married, there was never a plan for me to help on the farm because I am 1) physically incapable, 2) a total self-professed priss, and 3) the farm net income will not support two people.

We live on the family farm and my husband works 1/3 of a mile down the road with his parents who are in their late 60's. His mom has always helped on the farm and passive agressively makes judgmental statements about me not being up to the task and that somehow I am lower than her since I can't handle the work (which I can't...but she can't do the kind of work I do either). Naturally, hubby doesn't hear her comments and doesn't think she really means it that way. Anyway, I digress.

Prior to the 1980's the family was living high on the hog, so to speak. But even though they seemed to be doing ok during the farm crisis, in the 1980's his parents made very poor land purchasing decisions and ever since are completely beholden to the bank - this is according to hubby.

After going to a 4 year school and getting a non-ag degree at the insistence of his parent, hubby returned to the farm and drew a salary for working alongside his parents. About 4 years ago the bank refused to approve the operational note if it included a salary line for my husband. Mysteriously, a "job" opened up at a neighboring farm and a banker from another bank, not our own, said, OH I HEARD YOUR HUSBAND IS GOING TO WORK FOR SO AND SO....in other words our bank was trying to spread the news that my husband need a job. Soooo nice to have our financial situation circulating around the local banks.

He took the job but it wore him out trying to keep up with the farm responsibilities and the new job, so that only lasted a few months. He now works for that neighbor a few times a month.

His dad is THE boss - no one else is capable of buying or selling grain or livestock. No one else can make suggestions for the day's itinerary. Oh, and no one else is getting paid.

So, if I understand things right, the only time my husband has cash flow is when grain or livestock he has an interest in is sold. You can see why I have to work off the farm.

The farm does pay for our health insurance and a few other things to "make up" for no salary but that all comes to less than $15,000 a year which is not spendable income.

Also, this family is of the stern mentality of working every day of the week sun up to sun down and rarely leaving the farm over night. We have under 100 head of livestock. We are not a dairy operation or anything like that.

My faults in this are: I have taken very little interest in farm-related things. I do not understand ag business. I do not understand ag finances. I have asked the Extension in our state for education suggestions but all they could tell me was to get on a waiting list for a class - Annie's project, I think it's called. I don't know the questions to ask my in-laws and husband. I wouldn't ask my in-laws anyway because SHE would be so condescending to this "town girl" who doesn't know anything. It's a very contentious relationship and the more our financial situation relies on my income, the more stress I'm feeling. It's SO overwhelming I've tried to ignore it. But we're not getting any younger and our future is starting to be in jeopardy. I don't make that much money - we have no savings, we have SOME stock but no ready-cash. I don't have aspirations to be "rich," but I'd like to be more secure and not living paycheck to paycheck. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to talk to him about this. Another huge fault of my is wracking up some credit card debt and a big student loan that has been looming for years in deferral. BIG mistakes on my part.

I love my husband so much. It pains me to see him not be able to enjoy a morning or afternoon off to do something he enjoys. He will not stand up to his dad. He feels guilty if we leave the farm for a couple of days to spend with my family. He loves farming and can't imagine doing anything else- thus he has never considered getting an off-farm job. He's a good man and he's not a responsibility avoider, but I think he's just not seeing the big picture of needing more financial security, even though he has talked about wishing we had a more secure situation. Even though he gets no paycheck from the farm, he donates his entire life to his parents' farm. With their age and somewhat declining health, he feels that if he doesn't help them daily they won't be able to keep up so I'm sure he feels if he got an off-farm job, he'd have to still spend as much time on his parents farm as he does now PLUS the other job.

Am I making sense?

So my question is...is this normal? I need wisdom.